As it happens, though it's been a very long time since I was on the dating scene, I remember the hell it was. In addition I know people who are still there. It never ceases to amaze me how people abuse themselves in dead-end relationships. I think sometimes you need to go through that kind of crap to grow as a person. Then again, some people will never grow. They'll just keep heading down the same path, never veering off course and acting as doormat to the boor of the moment.
Using Violet and her friend's list as a starting point, I decided to compile my own list, not about how to get hurt, but how to have healthy and meaningful relationships. I prefer looking at it from a more positive perspective. But it really boils down to the same thing. This will be a work in progress. I may add to it or amend it as I see fit.
- Be honest not only with others, but with yourself.
- Trust is a two-way street and it goes hand in hand with honesty. Not only should it be given, but it should be expected and given back in return, if that is not the case move on.
- Value yourself and know that you have worth. Share yourself with people who appreciate your worth. To do otherwise is hurtful and a waste of time.
- Understand that everyone has faults. You should never expect someone to change to suit you. They shouldn't have to. Nor should you ever enter into a relationship thinking you can help the other person grow in any way. (If someone is immature, selfish, a jerk or whatever, you cannot change them.) If you try, you will always be disappointed.
- Conversely, do not enable someone to grow stagnant or simply be a jerk, mooch whatever. Everyone grows as individuals throughout their lives. Do not allow yourself to be the one that either emotionally or financially allows someone to live at a standstill, not moving forward.
- If you enter into a relationship and it's not going right, do not assume the situation is temporary. Cut your losses and move on.
- Never date anyone who has to keep your presence in their life a secret.
- If someone hurts you, physically or emotionally, do not keep running back to them so they can repeatedly kick you in the teeth. Never accept lame excuses nor should you ever make them for another person.
- Seeing someone once a week, on Saturday night and having sex isn't dating or a relationship. It's just sex. (This holds true whether you're straight, queer or bi.) If all you are interested in is sex, that's cool. If you are not you will only make yourself miserable continuing with your once a week deal.
- This should go without saying, but I'll state the obvious...if you are interested in more than just sex do not cheat, nor should you accept a partner who cheats. Someone will always get hurt emotionally. In addition, no matter how safe or cautious one can be, there is always the possibility that an STD can be contracted and passed along. Which means the cheater is risking the health and safety of their partner.
- Appreciate that the relationship you make with another person should be wonderful and unique, but never loose sight of yourself. Never loose your autonomy, your sense of self.
All people have the responsibility to behave in ways that are equitable and sexually healthy. Sex partners should always make sure to
- Have each other’s consent.
- Never use pressure to get consent.
- Be honest with each other.
- Treat each other as equals.
- Be attentive to each other’s pleasure.
- Protect each other against physical and emotional harm.
- Guard against unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection.
- Be clear with each other about they want to do and do not want to do.
- Respect each others’ limits.
- Accept responsibility for their actions.
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