Email

In the news they announced that a guy was recently arrested whom they are charging with everything under the sun that is applicable. He is (well was) one of the top 10 worst spammers. I hope this guy gets everything he deserves and then some. He has done nasty and malicious things with computers. They should chuck him into a teeny tiny cell and then let all the other inmates use his cell as a garbage can. And whenever any of his fellow inmates speak to him they should ask him if he would like his penis enlarged or they should tell them they have a great source for Viagra and Cialis. They can also mention that he has been approved for that loan he applied for; all he needs to do is give them all of his personal information to verify his account. Obnoxious fucker!

On the opposite end of the email spectrum, my guy found something really nice in his inbox about a week ago. He received an email from a prospective employer. The purpose of said email was to inform my guy about a job position that was available. The position is almost tailor made for him. But the really wonderful thing is that it is in a state that we have wanted to move to since the 2004 presidential election. It is specifically in one of the towns that we have been coveting.

My guy has had an insanely difficult time moving up career wise. He's a white male. It's as simple as that. I have teased him repeatedly for almost 10 years that he should change his name to Martinez. So this email is rather weird for us. We do not quite know what to make of it. I think perhaps it might be a mistake. We all know that lousy cliche; If it seems too good to be true it probably is. I'm feeling that right now. I'm wondering if maybe they have someone already lined up for the job but they need to interview more people before hiring.

I know I might sound cynical. The thing is this is something we so desperately want. I don't want to build up my hopes and expectations just to have them smashed. He has never gotten an unsolicited email like this before though.

Oh, yes...how did they get his email address? What made them email him? He has his resume and all other pertinent information in an online database that this particular state uses. The best we can figure is that they found him on the database and figured he was perfect either for the position or as an interview candidate.

If they want to interview him, my guy should get a phone call within the next week.

Say cheese!

I was at my mom's house today with Little Man. I wanted to give my husband some quiet time to himself, which he appreciated. My brother, his wife and their kids were also there. At one point we pulled out some old photo albums and started looking through them. Looking at pictures of myself from my college days was kind of interesting.

Back in the day I was a scrawny little gal. That was right around the time that the "waif" look was really popular. I was a waif, not necessarily by choice, but because that's how I was built back then. I was skinny with no boobs to speak of. It wasn't until I met my husband that I actually gained a few pounds. So now I'm a bit more curvy. I still have small boobs, the difference is I can now find bras and bathing suits that fit for the most part. I've always joked that my bra size is triple-HA...get it? Ha-Ha-Ha. I could stand to loose 10 pounds, but I'm not going to kill myself to do it. I'm much happier and healthier now than I was in my college days. Back then I also had really short hair. I had a boy haircut. At the time I loved it and it looked cute on me. These days I have a chin length "do" which has a softer look.

I remember about 6 months ago my mom and I were looking at a few pics of me from around the time I met my guy (11 years ago) and she said to me, "You've aged! Not that you look bad, but you look older." I said, "No shit Ma! That picture was taken 11 years ago. Of course I've changed. So have you."

So while looking at the photo albums today I realized something. Yes I have aged a bit. But that's not a bad thing.

guerilla research in the biz

One of the things I do from time to time is check out websites of other companies and performers in the biz. I checked out one today (though not the first time I've seen this one) of another performer who works in the same market as I do. I'll refer to this person as "Fabulous" because he/she is a narcissist. If you are familiar with the Harry Potter books think of Gilderoy Lockhart. (JK Rowling has this to say about the character; Lockhart and Fabulous really are 2 peas in a pod.) This person is about as "Fabulous" as having your A/C broken in the middle of a sweltering July heat-wave. Fabulous is annoying at best and at worst has proven to be completely unworthy of trust. Almost everyone in the biz echoes the same sentiments about him/her.

10 years ago I was really "in the loop" so I used to get all the good gossip. Every time one of my buddies (another performer I know) was feeling blue and needed to be cheered up he would call me and ask if I had any new Fabulous stories. He would laugh uproariously at Fabulous's expense. It's kind of sad; I can only surmise that Fabulous has incredibly low self esteem to treat people in the contemptible and nasty manner he/she is known for. There are some inconsistencies and outright lies on his/her website.

In terms of design, the website itself is cumbersome. It's an improvement over the previous version, which opened a new window every time you clicked a page link. So at least the navigation is a bit better. But there are tacky elements to the site. Many details look like they were scanned and pasted in, rather than looking like they are fully integrated. It's one thing to scan in a photo a client sends you or the newspaper section you appeared in last summer. However details that are a permanent part of the site should look like they belong. Other pages look like afterthoughts; again, not fully integrated into the design. In addition there is no consistency from one page to the next in terms of design elements. It just looks like it wasn't thought out well. But that's the norm for Fabulous and has been for as long as I've known him/her.

Why do I want to learn how to properly build my own website? So it doesn't look like that one!

Pardon me, we are experiencing technical difficulties

Actually the difficulty is that I am technologically challenged. I have a confession to make. My website isn't a custom built deal. I bought a template and added all of my info to it. I love the way it looks in terms of color and basic design; it's got the "cool" factor. But the layout has always had limitations that have bothered me. I've always gotten around them one way or another. But as time goes on they are getting in my way more and more. I am going to reach a point that I will not be able to get around them any longer. That point is not too far into my future. I see it coming and I need to prepare myself.

I have not been able to find another template that is as nice as my current one, that also has very easy and straight forward navigation. I cannot fathom what web designers are thinking these days! So many of the websites I've seen lately have horrible, dizzying navigation. I can pay a professional to design a custom built site. But what if I don't like what they come up with? In addition I don't want to be at someone else's mercy. If I come up with an idea at 2:00am I want to be able to implement it immediately.

I'm using Microsoft's Frontpage right now. Every web designer I've met cringes at the mere mention of Frontpage. It's like asking Wolfgang Puck for Chef-Boyardee. However they all say how wonderful Dreamweaver is. I've checked out Dreamweaver. The thing about FP is that it's incredibly easy to use. Dreamweaver is a more involved program. I'm sure there are people who can pop the program into their computers and learn it on their own. I'm not so sure I'm one of them. I have also come to accept that if I learn DW I'm probably going to have to learn Photoshop. Photoshop is also an involved program. I've downloaded the free trial and I'm having some difficulties with it. (Yes, I bought a book. I'm still having some problems. I need help.)

They are both expensive programs too. Fortunately my husband is in education and qualifies for a hefty educator's discount with Adobe. (Yeah I know, I could probably find a bootleg copy of both programs somewhere. But I'm too honest for that. Piracy doesn't become me. I don't download bootleg MP3's either. I'll stick to itunes thank you very much.)

I've decided it would probably be worth my while to take classes on both programs. One of the technical schools run by the county offers both courses. It's interesting how things can snowball. My issue is the layout of my website. It's snowballing into spending time and money taking computer courses and eventually paying for software. Not to mention the time I will have to spend when I eventually rebuild my entire website from scratch. For what it will cost me to do all that, I can easily afford to pay a web designer to bend over, kiss my bootylicious ass and make me whatever I want. But I keep thinking, "OK, then what happens a few years down the road when I need to overhaul my website again, or I outgrow it, or whatever?" I'm back to square one, at someone else's mercy. I think part of me would also like the satisfaction of learning something new and applying that knowledge to create something on my own. (Or maybe I'm just being crazy.)

I remember back when I was taking Commercial Art classes in high school (I graduated with a vocational certification in Commercial Art) and then later in college/art school, I avoided computers. They were weird and scary mechanical beasts. I was much happier working with clay. I really miss clay. I like the earthy smell of it, the texture and the way it feels when you squish it through your fingers. I like kneading it (the proper terminology is "wedging"). I also like the way I am able to see something in my head and can duplicate it perfectly with clay.

As it happens, computer technology and software are completely different now. I can console myself with the fact that even if I had worked with them back then, I would now be faced with having to relearn everything. (I will now ignore the little voice in my head chanting, "Yes, but you would have a working foundation to build on. Your learning curve now wouldn't be so difficult!")

So this week I will trek over to the vocational/technical school and sign up for the Photoshop class (I've decided to take it first then tackle Dreamweaver). First impressions are everything. If you are using a website for promotional purposes, in many cases it serves as your first impression. I view the classes as a business investment akin to purchasing a good suit for job interviews.

Jonesing for Ice Cream

I am not into ice cream. That's ironic considering I live in the sweltering armpit otherwise known as Florida. I go through little phases with food. I'll get really into something and eat it frequently for a spell. Then I'll get bored with it and move on to something else. I have my tried and true favorites that I will always go back to as well. For example, I will never get sick of bagels and lox, dark chocolate or pasta. Ice cream is something I usually eat once a year, maybe once every other year. I prefer the frozen delight in the cone. However I don't like big scoops because I like the crunch of the cone (sugar cones or waffle cones please, no wafer cones). If the scoop is too big I usually end up dumping some of it out and skipping ahead to the cone.

Several months ago I stood in the freezer section of my local grocery store staring at the offerings by Ben and Jerry's. (I actually met the real Ben and Jerry once around 1996 or 97. They were exactly what one would expect-cool, liberal, hippie types & I want to say one of them was wearing Birkenstock's but I could be wrong.) Of particular interest was the flavor "Vermonty Python". Proper geeks are usually, by default, Monty Python fans. I fall in that category. So I was immediately intrigued by the pint sized container. Then I read the description, "Coffee liqueur ice cream with a chocolate cookie crumb swirl & fudge cows" which sounded rather yummy and fun. Wait...fudge cows? How could one resist?! I kept thinking about the French guys in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I decided to give the flavor a whirl.

It didn't just sound yummy. It WAS yummy! (I must confess, the fudge cows were both cute and cool in my geeky sort of way.) It immediately became my favorite flavor. It was the beginning of a Vermonty Python ice cream phase. I bought it for about a month, 2 months tops. I can no longer find it anywhere! I am annoyed. The Ben & Jerry's website has a flavor-locator, which allows you to input your flavor and it tells you where it is sold in your area. None of the locations from the flavor-locator have it in stock. I've checked them all.

I am now lamenting the loss of Vermonty Python. Bummer.

The high cost of not having babies

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years. We are monogamous and very committed to each other. I don't like hormonal birth control and while condoms aren't as bad as some people make them out to be, I figured there had to be something more convenient. After 11 years, condom nookie interruptions were getting old.

Last fall an online friend mentioned she had a copper IUD and loved it. I was intrigued and started researching it as an option. After much research I discovered that they are extremely safe (unlike the infamous Dalkon Shield) and have efficacy rates comparable to sterilization. I also liked the fact that it's not permanent. I should add that there is a great deal of misunderstanding in regards to how IUD's work. They do NOT cause "an abortion once a month" as some people have been led to believe by the Anti-Choice/Anti-Abortion movement. (I refuse to call such people "Pro-life" because the vast majority of them are not in fact Pro-Life. But that is a whole other rant which deserves it's own blog entry.) IUD's prevent fertilization. As it happens, I am almost a perfect candidate for an IUD.

After several months of consideration I decided to give it a try. I went to Planned Parenthood to get it. They are known for providing contraceptives. I felt they would have more experience in the insertion process than a typical ob/gyn. The nurse practitioner was obviously extremely knowledgeable, certainly as thorough as the best Dr. and I liked her bedside manner much more than any ob/gyn I've ever met. After all was said and done I spent $400 for 10 years of birth control. I think that's a fantastic value and money very well spent! Several months later I'm very happy with the choice I made.

In discussing birth control among online friends, another woman I know decided she wanted to get an IUD as well. She lives in a Midwestern state. She called up her ob/gyn in addition to Planned Parenthood. In her state PP is charging the same price as the Dr. office, which is $725 (almost double the price I paid). When she asked PP why it's so much more than what I paid she was told that in some states they get funding to help offset the cost. Their state doesn't get that funding.

My online friend had to budget for about 3 months to come up with $400 to pay for it. She figured $400 would cover it and tried to make an appointment to get it. That's when she found out the cost in her state. Now she's going to have to budget for another few months to come up with the rest. It's still cheaper than the pill and certainly more convenient. I cannot believe they make it so difficult for people to get birth control! It's certainly less expensive to get an IUD than it is to get pregnant and have a baby. That's red state thinking for you though!

Edited to add: She found out that her insurance will cover at least 80% of the cost. She was shocked, but happy, to discover that they cover IUD's. So the moral of the story is to always call your insurance company and ask questions. It still annoys me that a lack in state funding can make birth control so expensive.

Cow flatulence and global warming

My husband is not a fan of the Bush administration. Lately he has been on a weather kick lambasting Bush and his cronies. He has been walking around sarcastically saying things like, "There's no such thing as global warming! If global warming is happening, it's because of methane gas released from cows and pigs." He has also been saying for several years now, "If you believe in God then you have to accept that he is pretty pissed off! Hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunami's, fires, come on! The weather is a sign from God that Bush is an asshole. We need to kick his butt out of office!"

He was also sarcastically ranting about the war. "We must fight them over there, otherwise we will have to fight them over here, because the terrorists will follow us home. See if we leave, they have to follow us because they are incapable of pulling out a map and figuring out how to get here." My guy's point is that it makes no difference if we stay in Iraq or leave. If they want to attack us on our soil they will. The argument that they will fight us here, or that they will follow us is just dumb and doesn't validate our continued presence in Iraq.

As far as I am concerned, I'm still trying to figure out what the "war on terror" really is. From the onset it seemed to me like the beginning of a new version of a cold war. For the record I do not consider 9-11 the onset of the "war on terror". Yes, I agree that 9-11 was one of the worst things this country has ever experienced. But it was when Bush started pointing false fingers at Iraq that the "war on terror" started in earnest. From my perspective Bush has always been the obnoxious and petty bully on the schoolyard. He wants to beat everyone up. The problem is you cannot beat everyone up. Eventually the obnoxious bully gets his ass kicked royally (and he usually deserves it).

Now I'm certainly not a political scientist, but it didn't take much common sense to see that if you took out Saddam Hussein you would create a whole host of other problems that would actually be worse.

I remember a few years back when my mom said, "But we have to get the WMD's! Didn't you hear Powell speak before the UN?!" I answered, "No Ma. As bad as Saddam Hussein is, the balance of power in the Middle East is very delicate. If you take him out you will destabilize the entire region. I don't doubt for a minute that Saddam would love to get his hands on some WMD's. I wouldn't be surprised if he had some at one point. But he doesn't have them anymore. Not with the US & the UN breathing down his neck. If we go into Iraq we will mess everything up. We're good at that. Look at Cuba! We put Castro into power. Look at Haiti-we left them high and dry! We have a history of putting crappy puppet governments into power. That's what will happen to Iraq. It will come back and bite us in the ass."

Several years later our asses are quite sore and Bush still doesn't get it. Now where is that map...it seems to me that we are the ones that need it to find our way home.

Happy Mother's Day! ZZZzzzzzzzzzz......

Most people do not have birthday parties on Mother's Day. I cannot remember the last time I worked on it either. So I usually have a nice, relaxing (and rare) Sunday off. Today was no exception. We had brunch at my mom's house as we usually do. I made my ever popular challah french toast. (Buy unsliced challah and slice it into pieces at least an inch thick. Once the slices are dipped and in the pan you must also sprinkle liberally with cinnamon. Serve it with real maple syrup too, you know, the stuff that comes out of maple trees-not the pathetic goo made from corn syrup!)

Then we came home and Little Man took a nap. My husband fell asleep watching TV while I worked on the computer a bit. Afterward I took a nap. Moe (our cat) fell asleep in his usual spot, between my guy and me. We all slept for a few hours. Then Little Man climbed into bed with us and started chatting. (I can't figure out if it's cute or annoying when he wakes us up using that method.) Apparently we all needed some sleep. (Well, Moe has a rough life taking naps, sleeping, eating and then sleeping some more along with occasional bird watching.)

I know that sounds boring, but really it was wonderful having a nice relaxing day! I wish Little Man could appreciate what a luxury a nap truly is. But hey, he's only 4 years old. I suppose at that age it's in his job description to debate and protest naptime.

Birthdays and other celebrations

My niece's 5th birthday is this week. I offered my brother and sister in law to do a show at her school this week. They kept thanking me over and over again. My sister in law's mom also thanked me a bunch of times. It was very gracious. But the thing is, this is what I do. I do kid's shows for a living. It was no big deal to do a show for my niece. It was the least I could do really. Little Miss had no idea what to expect. Apparently she LOVED it. Her parents later told me her favorite part was when I asked her to be my helper (twice during the show). I'm just glad she had fun. I wanted to be able to do something out of the ordinary for her. They are not the kind of people who would normally hire party entertainment; they don't have the budget. So it was different than what Little Miss is used to.

This morning at my son's school they had a Mother's Day breakfast. They do this every year. The kids make pictures and other crafts for the moms the 2 weeks leading up to the big day. There was one little boy out of the whole class who's mom FORGOT about it. She RSVP'ed that she would be there too. So when all of the kiddos were giving their moms their art projects he kept asking the teachers, "Where's my mommy?" Poor little guy.

My son has been excited about it for the past 2 weeks. "Mommy, I made you a yellow flower!" He's only 4 and doesn't quite grasp the concept of surprise. It's so sweet that he made all these things for me. They usually make 3 or 4 projects and I usually like to give one to my mom. I don't think Little Man is too happy about that idea this year though. We'll see how he feels on Mother's Day morning.

After the Mother's Day breakfast I brought in my face paints and painted all the kids in Little Man's class. I had an ulterior motive; I needed more pictures to add to the photo gallery on my website. I got some fantastic shots of the kids and I finally sat down and created a slick slideshow for my website. It looks so awesome!

I also created a new package to offer. I need to add the page to the navigation on my website. It's a cool package with a good price point. I'll tweak it a bit more over the next few days and then I'll upload it to my site.

Cinco de Mayo

This afternoon I worked a kindergarten graduation party. It was a blast! As always, I touched base with the mom who organized the whole thing earlier this week. She was very sweet and asked that I get the teachers involved at some point. Toward the end of my show I usually do one or two musical games, so today I decided to have the teachers and some of the moms do a hula hoop contest. I called all the women up without telling them what I had planned up my sleeve and then sprung it on them. The kids loved it and so did the women. The whole party went so smoothly. I love it when things work out that way!

Today is Cinco de Mayo so I was in the mood for a margarita with dinner. We went to Chili's. (Yeah, I know. Chili's is not Mexican and the food isn't anything to write home about. But that's where we decided to go.) While my margarita was fine I was a bit disappointed because they normally serve it in a big fancy glass, but today they served it in the same type of glass they serve tap beer in. That's like serving a martini in a water glass. Blah. I could understand if the restaurant was packed and they ran out of glasses. But we got there very early, before the dinner rush. It was a bit annoying. I'm not a big drinker, but when I do have a drink I like it to be served properly.

Onto other topics...my husband is our building captain and he's on the board of directors of our condo association. Several years ago a nutty woman in our building was giving him a hard time about something that he is not responsible for. The few times that she called and I answered she was extremely rude to me and among other things, she called me a "concubine". I was actually rather amused by that term. She used it totally out of context. She said it the same way one might use all manner of obscene language and terminology. I don't think she knows what the definition of the word is. She refused to acknowledge me as his wife. (I kept my maiden name and I think she is incapable of understanding that it is possible for two people to be married and have different last names.)

I asked my guy, "Hey if I'm your concubine, what does that make you?" He replied, with a rather cute and sarcastic grin, "Your pimp?" We had a good laugh over that one. So while she said it intending it to be the worst kind of epithet, I decided to interpret it as a title I felt could be naughty in a very fun sort of way.

I bumped into the nutty lady in our lobby this evening on my way up. (I should reiterate that the last time she called me names, heck the last time I spoke to her was 2-3 years go.) I thought to myself, "Oh geeze, I have to share the elevator with her. Bummer." When she got out on her floor she turned to me and apologized. I was rather surprised. She acknowledged that she had been very rude to me. She had been going through a rough time in her life back then and she was sorry for what she said. I, blabbermouth that I am, was actually struck speechless. I accepted her apology. The apology was a kind gesture.

All in all I had a pretty good day.

Inconsiderate louts

I have had several people book me and later change their mind. That's fine, it's the nature of the business. But is it asking very much for a common courtesy call letting me know, so I can release the date and time slot for other prospective clients? I think not. Fortunately I keep on top of things. Interestingly though, I have a fairly accurate 6th sense when issuing contracts. I usually know when people aren't going to follow through.

Ah yes, flaky people were one of the reasons I had turned my booking over to agents years ago. I was fed up dealing with this kind of nonsense. This time around I just need to accept it and try to prevent it as much as possible.

Replacing the old with the new

Being a children's performer, one grows to depend on certain props. The longer you have been using a prop the more you depend on it too. When I was new to the business I heard more seasoned performers lamenting the loss of a company called Supreme Magic. Apparently the company (if my memory serves me correctly it was based in the UK) made some wonderful props and when they went out of business many peformers couldn't get replacements for lost or broken items. So from early on I got into the habit of buying multiples of props I fell in love with.

Performance props take a beating, so eventually they do need to be replaced. As it happens, I have a few props that are getting worn out. Those multiples I bought are going to come in very handy pretty soon. I am somewhat hesitant to use them though, because once I start using them I no longer have replacements. I know one lady who lost some of her favorite props when her car was stolen. I know someone else who lost all of her favorite props in one fell swoop in a car fire.

Years ago I bought some lovely magic flowers made out of feathers. I can buy inexpensive (cheap and tacky) replacements in any magic shop. But the ones I have were handmade and visually the difference is night and day. The handcrafted ones I bought have incredibly vivid colors and the feathers don't shed like they do on the cheapies. I use a magic flower in a great deal of my shows. I originally bought around 3 of them. I'm down to one in my case and a spare at home. They weren't terribly expensive when I bought them. They were $25 each; a bargain when I think of how much I've used them. I'm now kicking myself for not buying 10.

One of my absolute favorite props is my beloved cockroach puppet. I am known for performing the routine I do with this puppet. Folkmanis, the company who manufactured him, retired him about 5 years ago. I sadly found out about 3 years ago and I was terribly disappointed. I scoured the web for retailers who had leftovers. I didn't find a single one. He was a hot seller. I cannot fathom why they discontinued him. Fortunately I have 2 and he is fairly durable. An online friend claims she picked one up for me in a local thrift shop and one of these days she will send him to me. So I might possibly have a 3rd out there somewhere. I used to have an adorable frog puppet who stuck out his tongue. His tongue was his weak spot. I went through a bunch of replacement tongues (they actually sold just the tongues) but then they stopped making them which rendered Mr. Frog useless.

Another performer I know had a beloved monkey puppet for like 20 years that was finally falling apart. In order for a puppet maker to build a new one, they had to literally take apart the old one. It is a terrifying thing to send away a favorite prop that you have a long history and connection with, when you know someone is going to literally destroy it in order to replace it. It's a gamble; a leap of faith that the new one will arrive and be close enough to the old one that you can find happiness with it. It reminds me of the Phoenix; burning up in flames to be reborn. I hope I don't ever have to do that with my cockroach!

I have a few particular props which have seen better days. I am currently brainstorming on creative solutions to come up with replacements. I would rather not be bothered with this task. There are a million things I would rather spend my time on. But I suppose I don't have much choice as I am a stickler for things looking a certain way visually. That is, I don't like to use props that look old and beat up. I don't mind if something looks like it has history, but I don't want anything to look like it's falling apart. I am not into Shabby Chic.

I made some sketches which I now need to color (I'd prefer to use professional quality, design markers). Then I need to have them transferred onto the surface I will be using-in this case, silk fabric. I have a few ideas on how that might be done, but I have no idea if it will work out well. I am particularly delighted with the sketch of the gorilla.



I should make it clear that my sketches are copies of the original props. However I've definitely used creative license. My gorilla has more detail and his face is much more ape-like. The original, which I am still using, many kids think is a bear (I suspect that's because the head, face and chest of the original had very different detailing).

I really do hope the new ones, once printed, turn out well.