Mainstream and the Counterculture

The birth of my son was a planned home birth with a midwife. I've been a member of various online groups that are typically outside of the mainstream for some years. I've noticed over the years that people who are part of the counterculture in regard to parenting and birth are very quick to label other people. If you don't think the same way they do you're labeled "mainstream".

There's one lady online who I have gotten along with for years. I've always liked her. It's interesting because she has had a close friendship with another lady who I cannot stand. Her friend has, over the years, become a very judgmental evangelical Christian. I couldn't figure out how the woman I liked and respected could maintain a friendship with someone so rigid. She reached a point where she was very clearly conflicted about the friendship and had said that she planned on ending it. It reminded me of the typical girl who keeps going back to the controlling and manipulative boyfriend. Then she stopped posting on our message board. I had heard rumors that she ended up keeping her friendship. At the time I was concerned for her because I have long suspected that the friendship is a toxic one.

A few weeks ago she started posting on the board again. She's been speaking in absolutes which concerns me. I don't live in a black and white world and that kind of duality bothers me. She's making broad statements that make no logical sense and she's not backing anything up with fact.

One member of our group asked about whether or not she should report some kids who were selling pot at her son's high school. This lady insisted that all people who are convicted on drug charges are sentenced to long stints in prison. She insisted the woman should not report the kids. When I mentioned what happened to a close relative (1 month in a county jail on a drug charge) she insisted I didn't know what I was talking about. She cited the case of a pen pal who was serving a 40 year sentence in a federal prison for "selling a little pot at a concert". (40 years? How much do you want to bet her friend had more than a "little" pot and it wasn't a first offense?No, there is much more to that particular story.) I actually am in favor of legalizing drugs, but for now, it's illegal. So if you get caught selling you really should be prepared to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. I'm certainly not going to feel sorry for someone who is stupid enough to sell on public school property.

This lady says she wants to be a midwife. Yet she moved to an area where midwifery is illegal. I thought the move was a weird one. Before she made the move it was obvious to me that she would end up disappointed. So now she's complaining. She wants to move. I asked why she doesn't move to a state where it's legal and she would have an accredited school available. She got very defensive and maintained all midwifery is illegal in this country. That is just not true. I had a legal home birth! Quite simply, her narrow definition of "real" midwifery is not legal.

I support legalized and regulated midwifery, which I believe benefits everyone involved. She maintains legality and licensure burdens midwives with certain "rules" (protocols). I would like to see midwifery care the norm rather than the fringe. The only way that is going to happen is if we have some form of regulation. Protocols are a necessary part of regulation in any health care profession. I'm willing to accept that if it raises the quality of care and reduces the complication and c-section rates for all women-which the midwifery model of care has a proven track record of doing.

In the end she got very defensive and labeled me "mainstream" and "unstable". I'm mainstream and unstable because I asked questions and brought up logical issues that she refused to address? Oh Puleeeze!

I got the same line of baloney when I chose to use disposable diapers instead of cloth when my son was a baby. (When you're sharing laundry facilities with 53 other condos, washing poopie diapers is a good way to be added to the buildings "shit" list. Pun intended.) I wasn't "crunchy" enough. I was "wrong". It was a contest to see who could be the "crunchiest", to see who went far enough outside of the mainstream. I don't see the point in going outside of the mainstream simply to say I did; simply because it's against the norm. There should be a logical reason for it. When I did the research comparing home birth to hospital birth, home birth made the most sense from a scientific, medical and psychological perspective. In retrospect I know that my decision spared me an unnecessary c-section. Breastfeeding made much more sense than formula.

On one occasion, when my son was a baby, some of the local moms from La Leche League met for a play date. I was turned away because I had brought my husband with me. After all, it was an all girls club. I chose to leave the group because I couldn't justify raising my son around a group of women who held men in such contempt. To me, that line of thinking is just as bad as male chauvinism.

So now it's several years later and I'm being labeled as "mainstream" all over again. Yet the mainstream have always thought I'm a bit of a freak. After all, what normal and responsible woman would choose to birth like a wild animal at home when she can have the comfort of drugs in a hospital? I'm fine with being a freak. But I think that it's rather stupid to maintain such narrow definitions of what is acceptable. Dualism is never healthy.